Last Updated on 07.04.11 Written by Rachael Pecoraro
“Well today is January 16. I had a bad night last night. The dream was so real. I feel like he is still alive. I feel like he just moved back home after a bad break up. I feel like I can’t accept the fact that he’s really gone sometimes. I miss him so much and can’t believe he did this. I can’t believe he’s not in my life. My dreams are so real. When I wake up from them I think that day never happened. But then I look around and it hits me all over again. The alcohol helps a little bit, but it’s not solving the problem. If I could turn back the hands of time. That’s all I keep thinking about. What could I have done. I feel so guilty for letting it go to this point. There had to have been something I could’ve done. But it’s too late. I listen to music to lift my spirits but it doesn’t feel like it lasts long. I loved him with everything I had, even though things weren’t perfect, or hell good at times!
I had a dream last night that I was at work-still on OJT (on the job training) and was at lunch on my cell phone telling him that I missed him and loved him. It was so bright and colorful. It was like we were working it out again and that we were gonna be together again. Just as I was about to ask him if we could fix all of our problems, I woke up. I sat up in bed and began crying. I can’t fix this. I can’t change what happened. He really is gone…but that dream was so real. It was so life-like. I wanted to call his phone but then it clicked, it was just another dream. I reached for my phone, then cried myself back to sleep. He’s in all of my thoughts and dreams. I cry over him daily. I pray for him every time I have a thought of him, I pray for his family, I just wish they realized I’m grieving just like they are, that I loved him, just as much as they did, if not more. I think about going to Texas, about how our vacations were when we went, about how much I loved being with his family and how they’re treating me now.
I can’t change their feelings, I can’t control them but I just wish it was different.
It’s going on seven weeks and I feel as bad as I did those first couple days when I found out it happened. I have some amazing friends but I can’t seem to open up to them. They say I’m so strong, they say I’m tough, but there are times when I feel so weak and worthless and lost and pathetic. I don’t open up cause I don’t want others to see my pain or to feel bad for me. But really I am not that strong or tough.
Why couldn’t we just be happy? Why couldn’t we just work through all of the shit and bullshit? I would sacrifice anything just to be with him again.
That man showed me what love was, even though he showed me what abuse was too. I could be so irate and all he had to do was hug me and tell me it was all going to be better and it would slowly disappear.
I feel so incomplete. I feel like I lost half of my soul. I lost a huge part of me. And I front to everyone that I’m fine, that I’m alright, strong, tough but I can’t lie to myself. I know the truth.”