Last Updated on 25.05.11 Written by Rachael Pecoraro
Entry 4-January 28, 2008
“It’s been seven weeks now. The last two days when I have come home it feels like someone is watching me. I swept the apartment yesterday when I came home and again today. The hair on the back of my neck stands up and I get that cold chill and goose bumps when it’s 80 degrees in here and I’m wearing a sweatshirt. I’m home alone because my roommate is out of town. I wanna think about Him but I keep trying not to.
I broke down this afternoon and spent a lot of time crying. I want so much out of life but at times I feel like I could walk away from it all too. I guess I hold too much in and keep this front that I’m fine but in reality I’m not. I’m depressed, and can’t stop mourning. So many times I feel like I could give up and the only reason I couldn’t is because I could never handle leaving someone else with this pain that I’m dealing with.
I went onto the internet to listen to music and I found a song called “Survive”. As soon as I heard the song, I began to cry hysterically. I was sitting on the couch, still in uniform, just thinking about everything that had been happening. I had my gun on the table, because I just took it off, and was staring at it. All I could envision was the pain and hurt and anger that He felt. I could feel the pain he suffered. I feel his pain every day.
I went to our work counselor and it helped a little and I have to go again next week but I don’t feel like telling them anything there. I don’t trust them to tell them how I feel or what I think. I don’t trust anyone to. I wish I could but I just don’t want to, and I can’t tell my friends because I know they are all dealing with their own issues, they don’t need to hear mine or worry about me too.
I feel like I will never be able to move past all of this. It’s like I am trapped in my thoughts. I have so many mixed feelings and emotions that I don’t know what to think or feel or how to be.”