Last Updated on 25.05.11 Written by Rachael Pecoraro
“It’s been two months now and I feel just as bad as I did when it happened. I feel like there is a black cloud over me and every single thing I do I feel sad and depressed about it. All I do is think about him. All I do is reminisce about how we were. I forget all the bad things. He’s with me every day, every moment of my life. I feel him with me sometimes. That day that I was sitting on the couch, I could feel him with me. I could feel his presence, I could feel him trying to comfort me. I know it was God and him watching me. I know they were both there. I could feel the most calmness and peacefulness as soon as I realized it. I hope he realizes how much I really miss him and cared for him even though I was angry and we were fighting. I talk to him sometimes and I hope he’s listening to me. I’ll think he is and still tell him what’s going on.
I listen to those two songs all the time we talked about the day before he died. R. Kelly’s “If I could Turn Back the Hands of Time” and Alicia Keys “Love Me Like You’ll Never See Me Again” or whatever its called. In both music videos, especially Alicia Keys, the boyfriend and girlfriend get into a fight, the boyfriend leaves, gets into a motorcycle accident and is in the hospital. The girlfriend rushes to be by his side, crying, hoping he makes it. I know in my heart that He was trying to recreate that video. He wanted that to be us. And I think if he would have survived this that it probably would have. We would’ve realized how pathetic our fights were and that we were meant to be and moved past everything and started all over again. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not because of how things were but it makes me wonder.
I can’t stop with the emotions. I can’t seem to move past this. One minute I am pissed off at him and the next I’m crying hysterical and feel so much hurt for him and just want to be loved by him again.”