Written by Rachael Pecoraro
“Today is 12 weeks, and it still feels like yesterday. I’m still struggling with it. It’s like I relapse. I feel good for a little while, I push it out of my mind and try to forget the pain I’m in and it’ll work for a short period of time but then just brings me just as low as I was when it first occurred. I cry myself to sleep, I dream about it, I think about it at work all of the time. I can’t find enough to preoccupy my time with. It won’t go away. I feel trapped in my thoughts. I get so angry for letting myself slip but it’s like I can’t stop it from happening. I’m slipping with my front also. People are starting to see through it. I don’t know how much longer I can cover it up. I keep drinking and I know I need to stop but it helps. I’ve been working out as much as possible to get my energy and aggression out but it doesn’t seem to change it. And as good a mood I start out in, it slowly slips down into depression. And it seems like there is always something going on that makes it worse. Shit that has nothing to do with Him or what happened but it reverts my mind right back to it. I don’t know what to think or do anymore. I’m frustrated. I’m antsy, I’m anxious. I don’t know how to move on. I hit these lows that feel like I’ve been kicked in the face and can’t get up.
I know I’m stressing over that wrong things. There are times when I get so worked up and lost and confused in my own thoughts that I don’t know where to start or try to figure anything out.
Friends keep telling me I’m gonna pull through this and that it will eventually go away but they have no idea these thoughts and feelings that I can’t seem to get a grasp of.
My thoughts are so scrambled. I look back and read some of my entries, and I try to get back to the point where I felt like I was able to forget all of this but it’s so tough!”